Welcome back! It has been a (long) while.

Where have I been, you ask? Here, I’ll tell you how I spent three months after my (official) graduation in (more or less) manageable steps:

1. Weep and miss Jatinangor for approximately two weeks, including not doing anything, not even successfully writing a single decent sentence, and abandoning my blog.

This step could also include hating on everything at home that is not Jatinangor-esque: too many people poking and probing unwanted questions, less hanging out and having fun with friends, and the worst of all: night curfew which only reach 8 pm.

2. The first step will induce exhaustion due to a constant bad mood. I recharge my energy with sleeping through the day.

Sometimes I will wake up from my nap hating Jakarta for making me all sweaty and clammy through the sleep, unlike Jatinangor’s windy weather which has kept me cold and dry at any time of the day. Thus, please take note that this step will require a dash of step 1 to trigger the bad mood, the exhaustion, and the abnormally long sleep.

3. The second step above will have a horrible effect: gaining weight.

Sleeping all day with no activities to get excited to surely will leave me bored. What’s better to get rid of the boredom other than eating, right? All that munches between the naps will surely get me to my highest weight I could ever gain! Great! Doing nothing and actually got no work to do while I’m slowly but surely becoming unhealthy! Now I could hate myself even more than I used to.

-

4. The first three steps start to sound as bad as the three horsemen of the apocalypse (i know it's supposed to be four, let me have some fun). So, when I start to get tired of doing nothing and hating myself in the process (which are not very interesting and very unproductive activities), I force myself to snap out of it.

Realize that satisfying life isn’t built overnight. I have to want to work for it, then go work for it. At the end, I might have to accept that a good life is a journey, not a destination.

5. I’m slowly putting the dreadful phases over. They are always lurking in the background, but I’m not going to intentionally look there. I started a freelance job. 

If any of you know me in real life, you would probably know that I’m actually doing translations and proofreading for academic articles and abstracts independently, sometimes as a friendship favor rather than a professional job. But this time, I’m doing a real, freelance job in academic writing service, with serious payment and deadlines. The amount of diligent research and serious writing I have to make every day is HIGH. The deadlines sometimes force me to abandon my napping time (yes, it’s sad) and the revisions will have me waking up earlier than I used to. But I’m getting paid, and it’s my first real job. I made my first Paypal account and actually got transferred some money. I am excited for the very first time in a while, and it’s way more than enough for me.

6. The fifth step is slowly solving the first and second miserable steps. But my weight is still a problem. So I started exercising.

Again, if any of you know me in real life, you would say I am not exactly a fit person. Some of my friends will have a jogging session before having a brunch together, but I am the friend who will skip the exercise part, wake up late, and go straight to the brunch. This hermit routine sometimes leaves me worrying about my health condition, especially in these recent days, considering the fact that I don’t really go out and I work from home daily. So I started my exercise routine. It’s not much.

But the point is, I’m exercising. It’s really not much, but I managed to tame the weight gain, and in the process, I am un-hating myself. It’s slow, but it’s there.

7. Charles is The Plant of The Year for me. I started taking care of this small cactus in late 2018 and he’s still very much alive, growing and thriving as I type this. I have slowly realized how therapeutic it is to take care of Charles (or any plant, honestly) daily.

Through the days in Jatinangor when waking up is the hardest part of the day, Charles’ existence have encouraged me to get out of the bed, water him and say small hellos to him. I had repeatedly said to myself to stay alive, because Charles gotta stay alive as well. Moving back to Jakarta had me abandoning him for the whole two months. In these recent darker days, I find myself going back to the same routine of taking care of him. Thankfully, he still brings me the same effect. He’s staying alive, maybe I should and could, too.

8. The thing I should always be grateful for is I have a hell of Great friends with a capital G. They gifted me an ukulele for my graduation and it gave me a Great Help in passing the time.

Although I barely move myself from the bed during the self-destructive phase I’ve encountered earlier, playing ukulele has given me opportunities to actually relax and cure my longing for good old times in Jatinangor. Playing ukulele is also not entirely unproductive! I have made two complete songs and one song in progress until now while slowly learning what chords actually are and how they should sound like. I’m learning new things and I like it because I can feel I’m growing.

9. Meeting friends help, too.

Reconnecting with high school friends, having small talks that slowly turning deeper each hour, regaining the support I am so used to have back in the days; they feel great. What meeting friends could also do is encouraging me to actually walk the talk I’ve told them. Nothing is more satisfying than telling someone the update of the projects you currently do, or the small progress you made in your life. Just make sure you don’t awkwardly turn that into some kind of shameless competition. Cheer for them sincerely. Don’t be The Bad Friend.

-

I did all those in the span of three months. I could have done so much more, but staying alive and persevering are so much more worth it.

The last thing, and what I’m currently doing is: repeating the steps as needed; stumble upon the unproductive and miserable ones, and getting out through the productive and uplifting ones.

Make a new step, take another leap.

Because it’s life, and slow or fast, I have to keep moving.

cheers,

ζ

p.s. if you went through the same phases but got stuck on the miserable phases for too long and it hinders your daily life, please reach out to closest people and/or professional helpers. take care of yourselves. you deserve happiness.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

portraits of Charles (2018 and 2019) were taken using Lenovo S850, edited with VSCO

portrait of me graduating with ukulele was taken by Ahmad Seno (?) on my graduation day